I know
by capcha
Summary: First person. Lily's POV. She has some confusing thoughts in which she sorts things out about how she feels about James. LEJP ONESHOT


**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own Harry Potter.  
****

**_ A/N:_** It's really about Lily batteling with her mind sort of. I just thought it one morning. Really early in the morning. Maybe that's why it's so cracky, but I like it. Excuse me if the Briticisms aren't there, I'm bad with those. Let me know it's it's too confusing.  
And for those of you awaiting the second chapter of _Halucinations_, I'll have you know that I did not waste my time on this. I finished the second chapter and I had to type this before I forgot. It was a wonderful little plot bunny I couldn't turn away. I'll finish the typing of doom for second chapter now.

_

* * *

_

_Thump._

"Ugh…ow." Wow that hurt. I hate falling off couches. Especially onto a hardwood floor. Where's my book? Oh. There you are. Right on the floor…with you pages all bent!!! Ohh. No. You were a wonderful present. You bendy…paged…thing.

What was that? I heard giggling.

"Ahh!!" Peter, Sirius and James were standing right above me. I hastily pulled my covers up to my chin. Err… wait. How did I get these covers?? I looked up at James.

"Good morning, sunshine," he said with his lopsided grin. That's a nice grin. I like that grin. No, bad Lily, bad! We mustn't think those thoughts!!

"You have a lopsided grin, James," I told him. Lately, I've taken to calling him James. It rolls off the tongue better.

"Huh?" he said, lopsided grin gone. I could tell he was going to watch himself grin now and try and straighten it. After living in a tower with him for seven years, and being alone with him in one for almost one year, I've sort of figured out how he thinks. I like the way he thinks. Err. No I don't. Never mind.

"I'm…going to go and get dressed. Bye," I said picking up my book, my blanket and waddling out of the Heads common room into my dormitory.

After I'd closed my door, I stood listening. I could hear their faint voices. James was asking his friends if he had a lopsided grin, Sirius complaining he was hungry and Peter saying he wanted to get a kitten. I always thought Peter was odd.

I went to my dresser and got out a fresh pair of knickers and some trousers. Out of another drawer I got a jumper and some socks. Yea, my drawers really need to get organized.

I put on my clothes and went back out into our common room and looked at the boys expectantly.

"Well? What's going on? Why were you watching me sleep?" I asked.

"We weren't," Sirius said. "Ja--"

"They came to take me to breakfast," James said interrupting Sirius and elbowing him in the ribs. "Would you like to come?" Sirius was rubbing his stomach and poking his tongue out at James.

"I'd like to brush my teeth. If you'll wait I suppose I'll go with you."

"Of course we'll wait," James said immediately. Sirius groaned in annoyance and I smirked as walked into the bathroom.

I never understood why James liked me so much. I was never that nice to him. Yes I've softened up a bit lately, but I suppose you have to be civil to someone you live with, right? Petunia could be civil too. It wouldn't kill her. Well… maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I grabbed my toothbrush out of the cabinet and put the white tooth paste on it. It is of course a familiar routine, so I won't bore you with it. When I was finished I brushed my hair and returned to the common room again.

"Ok," I said. "Ready."

James smiled and held open the portrait hole for me.

"Thanks, James." James isn't all that bad once you got used to him. He's kind of sweet and funny. But of course, there are a lot of times where I just can't stand him.

We all walked down to the Great Hall and I told the marauders, as I heard they like to be called, that I'll see them later.

I walked down the table a bit to where my friends were sitting. They greeted me, I greeted them and I got my food. I didn't eat much of it because I was too busy thinking. My friends seemed to care, though. They kept asking me what was wrong. Ah, well what did I expect?

I was thinking about this being my last year at Hogwarts and it being almost, almost over. It's nearing the end of January and I might not see some of these people ever again. The war is getting worse lately, and honestly, even if there was no war, I still don't think I'd ever see them again. That means no more Dumbledore, no more lessons, no more trips to Hogsmeade with my classmates, no more classmates…no more James. Wow. No more James. That could either be a good thing or a bad thing.

A good thing because he wouldn't constantly be asking me out. He wouldn't tease me. He just wouldn't anything.

It could also be a bad thing because… well, I would miss all that. I would miss him. Lately I've sort of wanted to give him a chance. You know. Go out with him. But, there is still some part of me that doesn't want to. A part that wants to stay 5th year Lily. Lily who hates Potter and definitely does not call him 'James'. A part that tells him off for hexing Slytherins. Of course he doesn't do that anymore, I tell myself, but I still won't trust him. You see, this is a perfect example of heart vs. brain. Well I guess not exactly brain and heart because… well maybe. I don't know. I'm not the same self assured person I was before. For all I know it's thumb vs. big toe.

I'm surprised really, that after taking about 5 bites, I'm stuffed. I can't say that I'm surprised James has finished the same time I have and is also getting up to leave the Great Hall. I am surprised though that he is not leaving with his friends.

"Fancy a stroll on the grounds, Lily?" James asked me. Is he mad? It's below 0ºF out there! I'll freeze to death!

"Are you insane?" I asked him bluntly. James slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Right. Sorry. Thought we were… okay, well I'll see you later, then." James said turning to leave.

"James no, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that it's really, _really_, cold out there." Right now, the other part of me, either my big toe or my thumb, was trying to detach itself from me.

"Oh. Right." James laughed. "Yea, well we should go get our cloaks on, yea?" James said gesturing up to our tower. "Unless…you don't want to go for a walk." James finished lamely.

"Come on."

My toe and thumb were having a war right now. I think it made me walk funny.

"Are you alright, Lily?" James asked with a concerned look on is face.

"Yea, I'm fine." I said nodding.

The walk to our tower seemed to take ages. We didn't talk much. I was sort of awkward. James must be confused. For six years I'm terrible to him them I have a sudden change of heart. But as you, whoever is in my mind, know, I am confused to. He changed too.

We finally made it to our common room and then parted and went to our separate dormitories. We got our cloaks, bundled up and returned to the common room.

"Ready to go?" James asked. I nodded and we made our way back down to the grounds.

It was snowing. The lake was frozen and there weren't many footprints in the snow. It was pretty. James and I walked around for a while still not saying anything and James led me into a beautiful white garden and cleared a spot on the bench for us to sit.

"Lily," James began. He didn't continue right away. He just sat there looking at me and then sighing. My breathing seemed to become harder.

"Lily, I- I know in the past… I haven't been a really good person. Always hexing Slytherins, annoying you, and just being a prat altogether. Well, I just want you to know that I've changed. I'm a better person now. I'm not the same person I was in 5th year."

I nodded. If I thought it was hard to breathe before, I had no idea what it was like not to be able to breathe. The toe and thumb war was a blood battle now. What I'm I so supposed to say now? I must look like an idiot nodding still. Very slow nodding I might add. Why can't I look at him ad tell him I know? I know he's changed. I know he's a better person. I know.

"I," I began. "I- I know." I was finally able to look at him.

It was a small look that said a lot. A small look that said something important. A small look that said maybe, just maybe, I could give him a chance.

_**The End**_

* * *

Ok. Hope you liked it. I know that some of the words a past tense, but I tried and failed at changing them. Sorry :S

xKatie


End file.
